The reason recovery sucks so much isn’t because life is worse without anorexia, it’s because you still have anorexia and you’re doing the opposite of what it wants. If you keep heading in this direction though, and work really really hard, eventually you won’t have anorexia anymore, and that’s when things get good.
my psoriasis has come back with a vengeance! suggesting im feeling super stressed about something (that usually makes it flare up). I think it’s life in general ~ too ! stressful ! for ! lil ! chlo !
95% of my personality is worrying I do everything wrong and that I will inevitably be abandoned because my traumatised ass is too much and simultaneously not enough
pls drink a lot of wine and be extraordinarily well read and buy too much perfume and write a few too many love letters and spread affection and poetry wherever you go
Me, reviewing behaviours after every meltdown: well, that was probably an overreaction on my part
trying to flip the trigger on its head ~ like maybe just maybe those who are further a long in recovery may see me and think ‘fuck, I wish I still looked like that’. & there’s no actually truth to my beliefs like maybe there was no difference between us but my brain was like ‘fuck I’m fat’ but her brain may have also told her the same thing??? When in reality we may have both looked just as ‘sick’
omg no I’ve just seen a woman who also attends OP & she just ugh looked like she’s lost a lot and looks super ill. And I’m triggered as fuck & feel like a massive fraud bc she’s ill very visibly & I’m here complaining when actually there’s fuck all wrong with me
pros and cons for continuing active treatment. my T wants an answer for tomorrow and i still have no idea what I want. help
I’m not even sure I’ve chose recovery, I think rn I’ve chose to stay out of hospital, which maybe is the first step. Or it maybe me choosing to stay out of hospital for all the wrong reasons (to keep control / to hold on to anorexia). I think it may be the latter.
But thank you so much for this lovely message, I can’t say I agree with all the nice things you’ve said but I really appreciate the kindness anon 🥰 xx
I really think I am slowly but surely realising how wrapped around anorexia i am, & I think everyone around me knew/ knows, but I a lot of the time, fail to realise how sick I really am. (Maybe that’s denial??) & although I struggle to accept it, i am also sick physically & maybe one day I will be better & I’ll be able to look back & really appreciate how ill I am rn. (But rn it’s hard bc I have such a warped view of my body).
This is exactly what I was trying to express in the post about my mum recently & her trying to force me into recovery, it has to come from me. And no amount of forcing is going to make me better if it’s not what I want. Thank you for the reminder anon & understanding x